I'm in a mood today. Not sure how to describe it. On the good side of anxious. On the up side of nervous. On the spastic side of hope.
Over the last couple of years I've had to deal with some stuff that destroyed my reserves of optimism. I got slapped back so often every time I had hope of things being good and right and fun again. I wasn't good enough, 'right' enough, strong enough, smart enough, tolerant enough...I just wasn't enough.
Earlier this year, I let it all go. No fanfare. Not a word. I just let go. I had faith that stuff that was supposed to be would be that way again. Those situations where it was noted have come back around, some I think are lost forever.
The cruelest part is that I am now afraid to put all of myself into hope. I try, but there's a good part of me that holds back now and I can't kick it out of the corners. I miss throwing all of myself into something and blazing forward.
Some might think this reservation is self preservation and smart. I think it lacks character. But each time I try, there's still something staying rooted. I imagine it's going to take practice, and accepting the pain from potentially failed attempts, to really feel like myself again.