Well hello February. Glad to see you. Sort of. ‘cause…what gives?
Many years ago (about 1996, I think) I was at a work crisis crossroads. And it wasn’t because I had screwed up. It was because I had succeeded far better than anyone expected and others wanted what I had created (and since they were related to the CEO, they got what they wanted and I was left to figure out the big question: What Next?)
Well, I ended up going to a therapist and in their estimation, taking Prozac would solve my problems. So I took it for a year. And for that year, I was a zombie; devoid of any depth of emotion. Sure…the rage was gone, but so was the ecstatic joy. After about a year, I stopped taking it…and those delicious highs (and treacherous lows) returned. Turns out, I wasn’t depressed, I was just wholeheartedly frustrated with what happened and hadn’t learned any appropriate coping mechanisms.
So, now I have coping mechanisms, and my problems are really very manageable…but for the last year (perhaps a little more), I’ve felt like I’m on Prozac. There are no highs, and no unexplained lows.
Until today, when I felt the first ridiculous amount of incidental, but ferocious rage. What brought it on? Mostly arrogance, as witnessed by friends on Facebook, political candidates and coworkers. Arrogance seems to be my line in the sand. Most of my ‘in my head only’ rages take the form of “just because you [can’t, won’t, don’t] actually means jack shit in the bigger picture. You can quote [a single study, your college education, general observations] until you’re blue in the face, if my world view is different and my facts check, your ‘opinions’ aren’t worth the bits they take up.” I’ve come across so very few absolute truths in my lifetime that I have little tolerance for arrogance backed arguments to the contrary.
So rage. And you know what? After feeling so little for so long, I’ll take it. Perhaps that means that the pendulum still swings and the pivot has been wrenched from stoic indifference at last.
and in the meantime “fuck you”