Sometimes, I still feel the sting when someone takes a passive/aggressive swipe in my general direction.
But then I remember that I really don't care what others think about me, so I smile and get on with my bad self.
Life is so much better remembering that what someone else thinks of me, what I say, what I do...isn't any of my business, and even less of my concern.
I have started keeping a new paper journal for those fleeting desires that I want to harness.
I find that I have way too many interests and often think my way out of doing any work on any of them. And making a list of them just immobilizes me. It's so frustrating to me to realize all I've done is think about all the things I could be doing.
So, I've started this morning inspiration journal. I know in the morning what my energy level for the day will be. So, while I am in that blissful creative mood faced with the blank canvas of the day, I am writing down, honestly, what things I would actually like to work on at that moment.
I am practicing writing down ONLY what I am inspired by. I will not write down what I think I -should- do, or what I -need- to do (this is not a task list), and most specifically, I will not put down what I feel I am -expected- to want to do. The only things on the list are things I am inspired to actually do at that moment.
Then, as I have time in that day, I choose from that list.
Yesterday, I actually did 3 things from my list and it felt fantastic. I didn't have to stop and evaluate the entire mess in my head.
It's also nice, because over time, I can go back and remember my inspirations. Not as many things will get lost because I couldn't recall a cool thing I 'thought' about.
Today, there are only two things I feel inspired to do. And when we get back from brunch, I bet I have time for both. But even if it's just the one, I know I won't waste time building an oppressive list that makes me not do anything.
Today is our 24th anniversary. This tickles me so much. 2 more years and I will have had Brian in my life for exactly 1/2 of it. That means every moment after will mean he's been a part of my life more than he hasn't. That delights me.
Now I just need to banish this anxiety that I woke up with. I think it's work related, but I'm not completely sure. It could just be a brain glitch, but my chest is tight with it and I feel twitchy.
Today we're going to go do some antiquing together, then sushi for dinner. Perfect kind of day for us. When we got married, we made the promise to each other that we would take this day each year and spend it doing things together. That's better than presents for us...no pressure this way. And it's something we can look forward to together.
Ever the student of the "wtf was I thinking?" school of self actualization, I read through some of my most recent posting.
Seems everything comes in one of two flavors:
1. Serious Life Issues bumming me out.
2. Motivational pep talks to myself.
Not a whole lot in between.
Turns out that I'm feeling a lot like the sluggish late season fattened caterpillar about to spend the last of her energy spinning a cocoon. You know the story about the caterpillar who doesn't have any idea she will emerge as a butterfly and is not in the best frame of mind? She's got practical things on her mind about not being eaten, frozen, baked, or smooshed. The butterfly thing is a pretty long shot in her mind, but she's going through the motions regardless.
yeah...just like that.
Oh, please don't let me be smooshed, discovered by a small child, or worse, put into an ornithologist's collection.
Brian has realized that his animal allergies are primarily with cats, and not so very much with dogs. Couple this with our wolf encounter in Colorado last year, and other encounters with dogs, and we started talking about how we would both enjoy having a dog.
We originally said “when we move to Colorado” and he wanted an “outdoor dog.” This conversation began back in January. Sometime shortly after that, Brian said that he really wanted a female German Shepherd. I know what kinds of dogs I didn’t want (nothing that drools, or is known to be a licker, nothing small). German Shepherd passed my short list with flying colors.
So I bought Brian a Kindle book and I got a different one, and a couple of magazines and we started reading about them. The more we read, the more we find ourselves falling in love with the breed. And it’s no longer being talked of as an outdoor dog.
I discovered some great information about allergies (ours and the dog’s) being greatly reduced by raw feeding. This past weekend, we found a raw food co-op that has a weekly delivery a mile from where we work.
Brian’s been leading folks to believe that I’ve been pushing this along. Nothing could be further from the truth. This weekend, he was prodding me and teasing that I had to contact some breeders. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough because he sent out emails and had his first conversation with a local breeder yesterday.
Unless we find someone else that fits all of our criteria sooner, it looks like we will be getting a puppy in January. They are planning a litter in November, and at 8 weeks, that would put us into January.
West German Shepherd, female. I’ve already chosen her name: Hexe (hex-ah)
Words spoken are things. They exist. They cannot be unsaid.
Once said, they can linger. The more hurtful they are, whether intentional or not, the louder they get.
One harsh truth spoken from a loved one can do more damage than several dozen bolstering truths from acquaintances.
And then life moves on.
Been waking up the last few days feeling like I need to shed some layers. Mostly, layers of being what someone else prefers me to be. See, I was conditioned from a very early age to please those I love by being what they wanted me to be. I found out that I could manipulate a less stressful life that way.
About 33 years into my (to date) 49 year run, I began the process of stopping that behavior. In little bits at a time. It started with my parents, then work, and then with the world around me. I forget sometimes and find myself slipping into the invisible mode where I mind my manners in an attempt to please those I’m dealing with. Sometimes it’s because I love them and don’t want to cause friction. Sometimes it’s because I don’t have the energy to deal with drama. It’s still a work in progress.
I sometimes realize I’ve done that when I get chastised in some fashion for not being or behaving like someone would prefer. That’s when things get a little ugly, because it’s usually because I’ve already bent pretty far and they haven’t noticed and demand I bend further. That’s when I snap back, kind like that branch in your face in the woods.
I am a passionate creature. I feel things quite intensely. Although there is no way to prove this, I suspect I allow myself to feel things more than most. I have few defenses (either by choice or design) to protect me from emotions. This is not a liability, like some would accuse. I think it’s what enables me to understand others at a deeper level. This is at the core of my empathy.
Yes, this also means that I carry emotional scars. Things said carelessly hurt. I’m blessed with a memory that doesn’t easily recall these hurts. I forgive a lot, but some stick and fester. And eventually, I do step back and evaluate whether these hurts are worth exposing myself to repeatedly. That’s when I start to distance myself. And slowly pull away until there is nothing left.
One thing that happened when Brian’s dad passed away is that I came to the realization that I have two sisters.
Before that, I had occasional contact with two really interesting women who were Brian’s sisters. When we’d be at his folks and spend time with them, it was always warm and a good visit, but I can’t say that there was a strong connection. We were family through marriage.
Now, I really feel like I am connected with these two remarkable women. I’m getting to know them better, more intimately, and I am richer for it.
I love spending time with them, and discovering our similarities (of which there are many!). And I admire them both for their strength and compassion.
I’ve gone from being an only child, to being the middle sister, and I have to say, I rather like it.
Why do I let myself believe that I am not as smart as I am? Why does it take the things that people say offhandedly to remind me (both positively and negatively) that I have a terrific, strong mind for learning, knowing, and using?
I get overwhelmed sometimes when I think of what I feel I still don't know on topics that I am working on. And then when I start to feel like there's no hope, I realize how much knowledge I actually do have. Why don't I remember more often to use my existing knowledge as a jumping off point and have faith that I can learn what I don't know.
People believe in me far more than I believe in myself. I'm grateful for that, because without those reminders, I think I could slip into an unpleasant sort of madness.
I would rather live up to the expectations of my friends than succumb to the negativity of misconceptions that occasionally surround me. Yes, I value intelligence greatly, in myself and others.