de-omitting follows...*blather about how good a really good mood feels*
I think that I was suffering from situational depression that started when I shattered my wrist. Situational depression could be called "Sometimes life sucks, and it just gets you down."
Now that I've healed (physically, emotionally, and spiritually), I can return to being in the moment and I've discovered that this moment is really quite amazingly good.*chatter about total satisfaction in job, love, and goals*
I really love where I work and what I do and what I get compensated. I look forward to interaction with the people in my company. I am removed from most of the politics, and the work is challenging and satisfying. I get to be both creative and technical and I am appreciated for both. When I got sick, not only did I get prayers and warm hugs and cookies, I got told to focus on healing. I got genuine concern. I feel like I work with a family.
I love my husband. Through all of the things I've gone through, he's been on my side, believing in me unfailingly. He said the oddest thing to me when I said, for the umpteenth time the other day "I'm going to be OK!" He said "of course you are, I know this isn't how I lose you." I woke up this morning, early, and just touched his back and shoulder gently with my fingers as he slept, marveling in this amazing human who is my mate in all things.
I have goals again. I'm still playing with ideas, but it's coming together in my head and I love daydreaming about them. I have a book where they are all written so that I can open it whenever I need and look at all them. It's inspirational to me, and proof that there isn't any way for me to ever be bored.*bragging about completed projects*
I have finished knitting 3 of the 5 hats I made for holiday presents. I made a sweater for Brian and one for myself. In short order, I will have finished a set of gloves and two scarves. I set out to make many of the gifts I'd like to give this year and instead of just 'thinking' about it, I will actually have lovely handmade things. I admit that I wish I had twice as many things, but I've gone from 'wanting' to do this, to having completed items. I also have gone through all of the yarn I spun. Now I have new yarn from this past season to finish without a ridiculous backstock of things piling up. It makes no sense to make it and then let it sit. The more I do, the more I want to do.*deep introspective lint gazing psychobabble*
I forget that I actually like change and growth. It's a little like an endorphin rush. Just seeing how the dice are going to fall on the next roll. I don't believe that the game is strictly the luck of the roll. I believe it's far more complex than that. I believe that you need to play the strategy. This is where finding the patterns, thinking ahead a few moves, and turning the problem on its side is what makes a win.
In the last few years my life has gone through so many changes it makes my head spin. Job/career, my nearest and dearest, my goals have all spun about so that for a while I had few anchors left. Brian, Lisa/Matthew, Jen/Craig, and Kate were there to keep me grounded. Everything else was in flux. Some things I had to let go of too soon for my tastes at the time. Some things got patched up, despite some impressive scar tissue that remains. But the end result of following through all of the changes is that I am stronger again than I ever imagined I could be.
And that was a conscious choice. Because I could still hold on to things that hurt and let that hurt continue. I could embrace the pain and suffer for suffering's sake. I could hold my tribulations up for everyone to marvel at and commend me for not crumbling under the weight of it all. Or I could move out of The Tower Card
and move into a few years of existing in The Star.
I don't want to be a poster child for suffering. I want my motivational profile to be that of achievement.
A little of me feels like the tissue they removed was what I was holding on to from the past. It's been physically removed. This is a good time to let go of the things that poison me, and embrace that which makes me whole and happy.