So, yeah. Feeling the joy and the pangs of the holiday season. It's weird. I really do feel like I'm in a lot of emotional turmoil, but it's not the same as a year or two ago.
Today, I am nervous about the future of the economy in this state. This is the biggest thing on my mind. I'm worried about my job and Brian's. There isn't any immediate danger, but I wonder what the next two years will bring. It could be huge changes. And if the economy here tanks more and we don't have the jobs we do now, then I'm not sure we'll stay here. Just something on our minds.
Sometimes I think that watching the news each morning, and traveling each day listening to NPR, causes undue stress. Everyone has a different opinion and it feels like a gamble where you either believe and build hope, or prepare to duck and cover. It's keeping me on edge and I'm behaving like I've got my guard up. It's like I'm physically preparing to fight or flight. It's exhausting.
And yet, I'm starting to feel the glow of looking forward to the holidays. I don't know why. We don't have much money for presents. We don't have plans for celebrating anything other than Thanksgiving with dear friends and Christmas dinner with Brian's folks and immediate family one day near Christmas. But despite it all, I want to decorate and feel something akin to celebration.
I want to forget that I'm trapped all winter long because we only have one car to share. I want to forget that every time I go into the office the power plays and nasty attitudes wear me down. I want to forget that I have a sick rat. I want to forget that I have to be careful of every penny I spend. I want to forget that our fridge and furnace are now on borrowed time. I want to forget a lot of little things that weigh on my shoulders like a physical weight.
What I want to do is go out and play in the snow like a kid. I want to make this place look pretty as if the holidays aren't about anything but feeling good. I want to pretend for a while that it's not a scary time.
Today I am going to get my turkey from the farmer's market and then steal a little time to see Twilight with Allison. And for a while, I'm going to just enjoy the day.