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Schrödinger's Pussy
Observing a box has never been this much fun
damned if I do, damned if I don't 
2nd-Jun-2009 11:40 am
Madness
No. I'm not ok. But it's ok. Because just saying so makes it easier to contain the crazy, which was sloshing out all over the place earlier today. One offered shoulder to cry on opened it up.

Something that I'm not good at is putting a lid on my inner noise. For a lot of years I used LJ to purge those mind weasels and it kept me in balance. I stopped doing that so that I wouldn't give sadistic pleasure to those that enjoy 'being right' about me. Well, fuck that. This is me. I'm occasionally very fragile and that's just how I roll. And while I want to be liked and loved, it's really ok if you don't. I am just being who I am, the best way I can, and I still like me even with my crazy.

Despite my husband's cure being "you need to come into work more often to be around people", I know without a doubt that it would have the opposite effect. There are several people there that I truly enjoy, but very few (one) that I 'connect with.' It's not a value judgement, it's just that we don't enjoy very many of the same things and the conversations tend to be very one dimensional. It's ok, I don't require that my coworkers be close friends. But being around them more will only make me feel more alienated.

I need my kindred. I need to talk to those that I connect with at a core level. I need the people who won't judge me, my likes & loves, or my quirks. I am not a social butterfly, but I am a social creature. I love spending time talking about abnormal and fascinating things.

I'm feeling lonely today, but not "alone." I can deal with that.

The part of me that wants to matter doesn't want this posted because it shows my vulnerability and flaws and who cares or could care if I'm damaged. The part of me that is holding my shit together says "do this so we can go back to thinking about other things that matter."
Comments 
2nd-Jun-2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
If we didn't expose our underbelly occasionally, nobody would pet it.

Be where you are, it's the only thing you can authentically do.
2nd-Jun-2009 05:46 pm (UTC)
*puts a sticker on your forehead* "Obviously Kindred"

*HUGS*
2nd-Jun-2009 12:32 pm (UTC)
*offers hugs* It can be fucking scary and uncomfortable showing one's "weak" sides when there are so many people in this world who seems to enjoy taking advantage of it, but at the same time, only the strong dare show their true selves, all of it. And we all deserve to be respected for the whole persons that we are, not only the sides others like.

Feeling more alienated when being around people more makes sense to me. It takes energy to hold up masks and keep the "strangeness" we all feel at times inside, and doing so accentuates it.
2nd-Jun-2009 05:47 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

Thank you for letting me know you understand. And for saying that the strong dare to show their true selves. Your words went long and far for me today.
(Deleted comment)
2nd-Jun-2009 05:48 pm (UTC)
*bear hug*

Thank you for being one who understands about how heavy that armor can get!!
2nd-Jun-2009 02:26 pm (UTC)
hi.
2nd-Jun-2009 05:48 pm (UTC)
hi.

I lurve you so muchly.
2nd-Jun-2009 05:51 pm (UTC)
you text me whenever you need to. i wish i was closer.
2nd-Jun-2009 04:52 pm (UTC)
hello beautiful lady. let's do lunch. soon. or dinner. or just drinks. please!?
2nd-Jun-2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
Drinks. during lunch or dinner. *grins* I don't have a lot of plans for a while, so give me a day.
2nd-Jun-2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Just wanted to say, part of why I friended you without actually knowing you was that you're such a strong, confident person ... and you have mind weasels. It gives me comfort when my own weasels are gnawing, knowing it's possible to be fabulous *and* fragile sometimes.

(Also, "I'm occasionally very fragile and that's just how I roll" is a *great* line. I'm gonna add it to my list of quotes.)
3rd-Jun-2009 06:54 am (UTC)
Where are you when I'm at work?

I'm not super-bohemian, really. I'm pretty ordinary. But I like to think that you and I could at least keep each other entertained. If I didn't annoy you to death first.

Anyway, concerning being vulnerable--see, one of the things that happens that makes people so boring when they grow up is that they *don't* make themselves vulnerable. They take no risks, they never go out on a limb, they never draw attention to themselves or try anything new for fear of looking "weird," or standing out. It's terrible.

I myself have never seemed to be able to avoid looking like a fool. But that's okay, it's amusing to others.
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