No. I'm not ok. But it's ok. Because just saying so makes it easier to contain the crazy, which was sloshing out all over the place earlier today. One offered shoulder to cry on opened it up.
Something that I'm not good at is putting a lid on my inner noise. For a lot of years I used LJ to purge those mind weasels and it kept me in balance. I stopped doing that so that I wouldn't give sadistic pleasure to those that enjoy 'being right' about me. Well, fuck that. This is me. I'm occasionally very fragile and that's just how I roll. And while I want to be liked and loved, it's really ok if you don't. I am just being who I am, the best way I can, and I still like me even with my crazy.
Despite my husband's cure being "you need to come into work more often to be around people", I know without a doubt that it would have the opposite effect. There are several people there that I truly enjoy, but very few (one) that I 'connect with.' It's not a value judgement, it's just that we don't enjoy very many of the same things and the conversations tend to be very one dimensional. It's ok, I don't require that my coworkers be close friends. But being around them more will only make me feel more alienated.
I need my kindred. I need to talk to those that I connect with at a core level. I need the people who won't judge me, my likes & loves, or my quirks. I am not a social butterfly, but I am a social creature. I love spending time talking about abnormal and fascinating things.
I'm feeling lonely today, but not "alone." I can deal with that.
The part of me that wants to matter doesn't want this posted because it shows my vulnerability and flaws and who cares or could care if I'm damaged. The part of me that is holding my shit together says "do this so we can go back to thinking about other things that matter."