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Schrödinger's Pussy
Observing a box has never been this much fun
This is who I am, this is what I do 
1st-Nov-2012 09:07 am
Clouds in my coffee
Been waking up the last few days feeling like I need to shed some layers. Mostly, layers of being what someone else prefers me to be. See, I was conditioned from a very early age to please those I love by being what they wanted me to be. I found out that I could manipulate a less stressful life that way.

About 33 years into my (to date) 49 year run, I began the process of stopping that behavior. In little bits at a time. It started with my parents, then work, and then with the world around me. I forget sometimes and find myself slipping into the invisible mode where I mind my manners in an attempt to please those I’m dealing with. Sometimes it’s because I love them and don’t want to cause friction. Sometimes it’s because I don’t have the energy to deal with drama. It’s still a work in progress.

I sometimes realize I’ve done that when I get chastised in some fashion for not being or behaving like someone would prefer. That’s when things get a little ugly, because it’s usually because I’ve already bent pretty far and they haven’t noticed and demand I bend further. That’s when I snap back, kind like that branch in your face in the woods.

I am a passionate creature. I feel things quite intensely. Although there is no way to prove this, I suspect I allow myself to feel things more than most. I have few defenses (either by choice or design) to protect me from emotions. This is not a liability, like some would accuse. I think it’s what enables me to understand others at a deeper level. This is at the core of my empathy.

Yes, this also means that I carry emotional scars. Things said carelessly hurt. I’m blessed with a memory that doesn’t easily recall these hurts. I forgive a lot, but some stick and fester. And eventually, I do step back and evaluate whether these hurts are worth exposing myself to repeatedly. That’s when I start to distance myself. And slowly pull away until there is nothing left.
Comments 
2nd-Nov-2012 12:49 pm (UTC)
This really struck a chord with me, because omg, I do this so much too! I know that I am happier being me, but... I also want to avoid friction at all costs. And those two don't fit together. And when I've had enough of the bending and bending and trying to be everything the person wants and it's still not enough, I withdraw, and they have no idea why... *sigh*

I'm one of the people who some now label as high-sensitive, and I feel things so strongly that it's exhausting at times. But I don't want to be without it, because there needs to be someone in every group who is just naturally alert to what is going on and can sense it before everyone else does. But I will have to remember to stop hiding myself and allow myself to be who I am instead of what other people wants me to be.

Thank you for reminding me. <3
2nd-Nov-2012 01:08 pm (UTC)
*smiles* It helps a lot to connect with others who understand that being high-sensitive isn't a bad thing. It's just a different thing.
2nd-Nov-2012 06:02 pm (UTC)
Are you sure we weren't separated at birth?
2nd-Nov-2012 06:07 pm (UTC)
I would be honored to call you sister.
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